CamelChicken (humpday check-in)

[artsyhonker]

It is Wednesday, and here we are.

A breath for Wednesday. A breath for the last full day in my away-from-home adventures in Aberdeen this trip, so it doesn't feel like humpday at all.

Ta-da!

I got my MPhil very very rough draft outline done. I presented my work to a bunch of other composers in the Composers' Forum, and didn't die of impostor syndrome. I resurrected my monthly-ish newsletter, Passing Notes. I had a supervision with my PhD supervisor and he thinks I am "more than on track" to meet my various deadlines. I told him about my side project, Cecilia's List, and he was very supportive and enthusiastc, which I hadn't been sure of before. I dyed my hair blue and that totally counts as self-care, all right? A breath for fulfilling so many quests. A breath for recognition of what is necessary for me to be most myself.

The Hard

The Musical Hat Draw sale did not have the engagement I hoped for. That is, a total of one valiant person sponsored any music (thank you, lovely person!). I so much wanted it to work, because I loved the first bit of the experiment, and because something very similar seems to work so well for ysabetwordsmith, but it was not to be. In time, I will re-examine the whole experiment, and figure out what I might change in trying it again. For now, I am feeling sad, and trying not to succumb to using this as proof that I'm not really a real composer. A breath for grief.

Additionally, there are many good competitions and calls-for-scores out there, but I'm going to have to give up on all but a few of them; I just don't have time to do them and fulfil my already-committed-to obligations. This is not a bad thing, necessarily: the stuff that is on my plate is exciting and good for my career and good for the church music community and so on. But -- triage is hard for me. A breath for decisions. A breath for not trying to do everything.

Maybe it would help me to find a mental model of this which isn't based on an emergency room or field hospital: these tasks are not patients who are going to suffer if I don't personally attend to them. But I do find triage quite apt for the way I order my life: I focus on the Big Stuff That's Big, and on the Little Stuff That Could Get Big If I Leave It, depending which I can actually cope with at the time; and then, if I have any cope left over, on things that aren't going to get a lot better or worse if I attend to them or not, but still present themselves.

I am in pain today. A breath for noticing.

The Good

On Sunday I was feeling overwhelmed and overscheduled and overworked and I did not want to come to Aberdeen. By Tuessday afternoon before my supervision, I was feeling much better, despite not getting great sleep and a few other factors. Doing the work makes me feel better than not doing it, and this is such an excellent tool to have. Managed well, it can set off a feedback system where I do a bit of work, feel better, and use the feeling-better from that to do a bit more work, until I am riding some kind of productivity wave. (These eventually either peter out, or crash against the shore, but that's okay: there'll be another wave along presently. The trick is to avoid the rocks.)

A breath for finding my stride.

Quests

Today there is lots of being with people: with other composers, then with scholarship donors. I feel out of my element. I feel I need to be presentable and sociable and poised, and don't really know how to do this. Also, I'm probably going to be late for, and might be better to skip the coffee-with-other-composers thing. A breath while I send an e-mail saying I'm not sure if I'll make it; there, less pressure now.

I need to write a report, do lots of LGQ planning, finish a piece of music, make a good start on another one, wind down another unsuccessful project, book an appointment with the optician, and do some Cecilia's List-related things (add more composers, write press release). This is so many quests! A breath for do the next thing.

Optionally, there are three wider composing deadlines this weekend; one of them I'm going to miss because it's postal and I'd have to send stuff off today, one of them I don't think I can manage. That leaves the Juice Vocal Ensemble call for scores, for which I have an idea but haven't actually written it out yet. I'll have to see how I go with that. A breath for making these optional, not urgent.

The PLN

Try painkillers, they usually help more than I expect them to.

Today has three appointments; tomorrow I am packing, then spending over 7 hours on a train. I'm pretty tired, but I think I can tackle the LGQ planning and maybe write the report today between appointments (I have a three-hour gap in the afternoon). Booking the appointment with the optician can wait until Friday when I'm in the same city as my optician. Can't do wind down until early next week. So that leaves the train journey tomorrow, and whatever time/energy I can muster on Friday, for composing, and CL stuff. Not ideal: I can't really count on being able to work on trains, because sometimes trying to do so makes me motion sick.

Do the next thing.

How are you?

What have you done? What are your quests? What is hard in your life? What is good? What is your PLN (or plan)? What is your favourite colour?

Comments

[nou]

I hope the rest of your day goes well! Good to hear your supervisor's enthusiastic about Cecilia's List.

For me, lungs are still hard (but that was as expected, and my specialist appointment is now a week closer). One good thing is that I have exactly the amount of paid work I want lined up and scheduled for the next month (which sometimes happens, but sometimes there's more or less than I want), and another good thing is that I'm on track to finish my next local history article on time. And my favourite colour is purple.

[artsyhonker]

Purple is a fine colour. I'm sorry the lungs are still hard but, as you say, you're a week closer to getting that managed better.

I love it when paid work lands in the "just right" category.

[angelofthenorth]

Having a difficult day. I need to get some marking done, but the conversation last night wherein Huw wished himself dead is playing on my mind. I have to lead the tutorial on prayer and grace and am feeling neither.

[artsyhonker]

That's a hard thing. Love and prayers, and I hope today is going better.

[angelofthenorth]

Today is now better, thanks to some lovely conversations at the tutorial and with friends.

[shewhostaples]

I love those waves! Hope yours lasts a while.

I've got about half way through the current round of edits on The Next Book. I want to:
- finish them off
- incorporate them into the electronic version
- find somebody to read the MS and comment
- set up some blog posts for the next few weeks

Hard: seasonal depression, and being so very tired all the time. Good: having people around with whom I can be honest.

My favourite colour is purple, or sometimes red.

[artsyhonker]

Going to the pub wth my supervisor and then not getting to sleep until 2am was perhaps not the best use of a productivity wave. Or possibly it was: he likes the pub and likes to have a social connection with his students, as well as a supervisory one.

Settng up blog posts in advance is a thing I need to be doing with Cecilia's List, too, but I first need to decide on some kind of scheme.

I hope that the seasonal depression and tiredness are manageable.

Purple is a fine colour, and usually my favourite too, though sometimes blue wins out. I I do like red too; when my hair is its natural colour I look really good in red.

[siderea]

I feel I need to be presentable and sociable and poised, and don't really know how to do this.

But... you're a composer.

It should be an A+ if you manage to remember to wear shoes.

[artsyhonker]

Thank you for this! The social things went fine in the end, insofar as I didn't go to the first one and nobody cared, the second one was only slightly awkward, and Chapel was odd (being Church of Scotland, which is not the same as the Scottish Episcopal Church and is definitely not Anglican) but it was at baseline just church, which I can defintely do, and the chaplain made a beeline for me afterward and talked to me in a slightly awkward but very welcoming way all through coffee which conveniently rescued me from having to talk to anyone else. It was really quite something. I wonder if he's always slightly awkward (many clergy are), or if he's really good at pitching his level of awkwardness such that the awkward people he's talking to feel at home and, therefore, less awkward. That would be a handy skill for an academic chaplain to have.

I even navigated going to the pub to meet my supervisor and getting there before he did without feeling terrbly self-conscious about being in the pub on my own. It's a good thing I'm not in Aberdeen all the time, I don't think my liver could keep up.