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Reflecting on the process of slow roasting tomatoes into confit, and the alchemy of change with heat and time
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
A useful practice
A useful practice
A useful practice, if you are someone who is interested in self-fluency, which is probably you if you’re here, is developing the ability to notice when we get upset or distressed or activated in some way, and maybe something about what sets us off.
This is a skill that we finesse over time, adding compassion as we go, making room for ourselves and our experience.
As we notice what we are noticing, of course we can add Acknoweldgment & Legitimacy, we can try to bring some sweetness into our noticing.
Spaciousness
Again, we work on creating a cozy yet spacious container of sanctuary space, in which it is safe for us to be feeling whatever we are feeling as we experience it.
Yes, I am feeling angry and upset about this, I’m allowed to feel that way, it makes sense that I feel that way, these emotions are moving through my physical body and I am making space for them to move through me…
Sometimes the emotions feel as though they are bigger than us, and we need to come back into right perspective, we contain them and not the other way around. They are temporary, and we contain the wholeness.
Noticing
Sometimes our noticing practice is about providing context: Oh, I notice that I feel upset in response to [x category of behavior or y words], and I am also noticing that my emotional state is more intense if I’m premenstrual or it’s hot outside or I have a headache, etc.
So there’s acknowledgment and legitimacy for my reaction and my reactiveness, and also the recognition that these emotions might be heightened due to circumstances.
Sometimes this is good and useful! Maybe if I wasn’t having that heightened experience, I wouldn’t have been able to clock my reaction to the same degree. Maybe I need this extra burst of emotion to really let myself be as upset as I need to be.
Situation [now] reminds me of situation [then]
Sometimes I can notice that I am feeling MORE intensely, if the current situation is reminding me of a past situation.
As we practice this over time, you might find yourself becoming more adept at this — noticing faster, recognizing that we get reminded of the same hurts because they still hurt more than we think.
This week I wanted to tell you about a situation in my life currently that really only barely has to do with me that has been stirring up all kinds of big feelings for me, and it turns out these big feelings are yet again about something else!
Practicing, in action, in community
This is the practice of noticing, in action, in community.
Or: I am experimenting with modeling what one form of this kind of noticing might look like, in case this is helpful for you.
Obviously, we bear in mind that People Vary. We are all different people having different experiences, your mileage may vary etc.
You are welcome to take any clues that might apply, and tweak things in a way that works for you.
Noticing, take one…
The situation is my friend’s
My friend, a skilled, competent, warm-hearted yoga person, has run an excellent and very thorough yoga teacher training for some years. If I could wave a magic wand and have everyone who teaches train with her, I would.
Someone else is starting up a rival teacher training in the same extremely small town, and this person has been publicly saying negative things about both my friend and my friend’s training that simply are not true, in order to grow her own program.
This is not what is setting off feelings for me though
This all is, sadly, extremely normal boring yoga world drama, and all it makes me feel is sad that my friend is going through this.
Sad and also frustrated that people who study yoga deeply often still can’t work with the basics (speaking truth, for example), and just sort of generally disillusioned with everything.
But not big waves of feeling. Just a slow lapping at the shore of feelings, if that makes sense.
Where the big feelings come in
Where the big feelings come in is that my friend does not wish to correct these lies because my friend does not wish to “compete”.
My friend wants to believe that the truth will prevail, and light over darkness, and all that.
Which, putting aside that this is not the world we live in (points to plummeting vaccination rates and measles outbreaks) is not the world that I live in, and that’s where my big feelings are coming from…
Scooby-doo rewind
Many years ago, my former teacher and mentor spread untruths about me online, in a very public way, and I don’t know what was going through their head at the time or at all, so I can’t make guesses about why or how this came to pass.
Perhaps they had been lied to by someone else about me, and believed those lies, or maybe something else happened, no idea.
What I do know is what happened as a result of this.
Teapots, fires, mixed metaphors abound
Here is what happened:
I did not defend myself or stand up for myself or try to correct these false statements in any way.
In part because of the same line of thinking as my friend: the truth will prevail, people know I’m a good person with a good heart and good intentions, and that will be enough. They will see this for what it is: a bizarre misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and it will be okay.
And in part because everyone in my life, from my business partner to my attorney to my friends, said that this was a tempest in a teapot, and it would blow over on its own. To give it more attention would just be to adding fuel to something that needed to burn out on its own etc.
Regrets etc
The main thing I regret is that by not standing up for myself, I also didn’t stand up for my own students and their teaching and the beautiful work we had done together.
I hurt them, and let them down, and that is awful. I am so sorry about that.
I think in the moment I was trying so hard to course-correct for my teacher’s misunderstanding (his perception that I did not respect him despite having devoted a decade of my life to spreading his work in the world?) that I didn’t want to say anything all that could be even remotely perceived as undermining him and being actually disrespectful to him.
So in that sense, you can say that I prioritized his comfort over the people who I owed something to, the people I had trained. I regret that. I also regret that despite my best efforts, I was not able to resolve the misunderstanding with my beloved teacher.
Noticing, again
So, I have this past painful experience, that majorly fucked me up, and that experience taught me, right or wrong, that the truth does not come out unless you actively put it out there.
And who knows, maybe even then it still doesn’t come out, but at least you tried?
In my experience, for the most part, people did not trust my good heart or trust that I had my own reasons for not defending myself. They were upset and they walked, and it is on me for thinking it could be otherwise.
I see my friend choosing Not-Competing, and what I see is someone declining the opportunity to set the record straight. I wish I had set the record straight, or at least tried.
I wish I had stood up for my students even if it meant that my teacher received that as disrespectful when all I wanted in the world was for him to know how much I respected him and his work.
Reactiveness
Every time I talk to my friend about what she could do to promote her program, I advocate for being really clear about all the great elements of her program, and correcting the misinformation floating around.
She doesn’t want to do this because she thinks love and light win, or something that sets me off completely, and then I stomp around about this on my own time, in my own stuff about it.
What is useful here?
My job here, in my relationship between me and me, is to provide comfort and compassion for the pain and painful echoes of these past experiences.
It sucks that I went through these painful losses, losing my beloved mentor and my beloved students and an entire community...
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